Coming home from Europe came with a multitude of realisations. I realised that I’d officially had this blog for about a year. A Whole Year. And I still have No Clue What I’m Doing. When I tell people that I’m trying to start a blog, I always use that exact word “trying.” Will there come a point when I’ve figured out what I’m doing? Maybe once I come up with a specific theme, a particular service that I provide. I’ve watched Sex and The City many times. I love that show, yet a part of me always wondered. What exactly does Carrie Bradshaw bring to the table? Why do people read her column? It all seemed very specific to me. If you didn’t know Carrie, if you didn’t care about Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha why would you care about her blog? Why should anyone care about my blog? It’s not like there’s a drought in the market of female, white, middle-class bloggers.

I’ve been to at least 20 seminars about “Finding Your Brand.” Finding your brand is so important. It’s the why of every blogger, fashion designer, advertiser, merchandiser, worker. Once you find your brand, you find a reason why people should listen to you. Why yours are the clothes, they should buy. Why yours is the advice, they should follow. But how do you find your brand when you’re 19, and barely able to find yourself? I have my list of qualities I could rattle off like a job interview, and while I think those things might be a start on the journey to “finding my brand.” I don’t think those things are who I am. Yes, I’m patient, I’m hardworking, I’m passionate, but those aren’t who I am. They might be true, but when it comes down to it, those are things that I say to get hired. When it comes to the public, when it comes to the world, I’m still trying to figure out what service I can really provide. What my purpose is.

I turn 20 in exactly ten days. Anyone that knows me knows I love birthdays. I never really through any crazy parties, or do anything too dramatic for them, but I still love them, which is why it seems so strange to me that I completely forgot about mine until yesterday night. For me, birthdays are my new year. Every year is a reminder that I’m older, that I’m growing, so I try to reflect on how I can grow more. Last year was easy because it was my first year starting university. I didn’t have to think about what I wanted to work on because it was all laid out right in front of me in syllabus form. This year I’m older, hopefully, a little wiser, but other than that not much has changed.

I guess if there’s one thing I want to work on this year, a resolution, you might call it. It’s to be more selfish. I think if there’s any time in my life to be selfish, to really figure my shit out, find what I want. It’s during my twenties. I know that probably sounds cliched and overplayed but it’s true. I’d love it if I could lay it all out. If I could say that 20 will be the year I figure out what I want, 21 will be the year I figure out what I can give to the world, and 22 can be when I “Find My Brand,” but I don’t think life really works like that. I think realistically I will be spending a lot of my life figuring out what I want, and what I can give to the world, and those will probably be things that are constantly growing and evolving.

All and all I don’t know if there was really a point to this, sometimes I think it’s just easier to figure things out while you’re writing them down, but I suppose this can be a stepping stone on my path to becoming Carrie Bradshaw. I’ll keep you updated if I meet a mysterious man at a club in Manhattan and fall in love with him.